An Exploration in Writer's Block
by BrittJK
Summary: Richard Castle gets writer's block and looks at fanfiction for inspiration. Something about this story intrigues him, and Richard Castle ends up resolving a lot more than just his writer's block. "But will you be able to catch me if I fall?" "Always."
1. Chapter 1

An Exploration in Writer's Block

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><p>Richard Castle brings his head to his hands and lets out a slow, agonizing moan. This is not how this evening was supposed to go. He lifts his head back up and stares at the blank white screen on his computer. Three more chapters of Nikki Heat are due in the morning, and Rick has nothing. Zip. Nada.<p>

He turns to look at the clock. Just after midnight, and only another 8 hours left before the deadline. This will not do. But it's not like this is the first time Richard Castle has writer's block. Only problem is, the writer's block is brought on by more than an inability to write. Richard knows exactly what is bringing it on. Or, to be more specific, who is bringing it on. And he definitely knows what three words said detective fails to remember.

Rick can write three chapters in seven hours. He's done it in less before. And maybe an hour off, a change of pace, will bring his mind back into the Nikki Heat setting as opposed to the Detective Kate Beckett setting. Thus, after grabbing a third cup of coffee, Rick does what he often does when the writer's block hits – check out the Richard Castle fanfiction forums.

He opens the page and begins scrolling, hoping to find something worthwhile to read, something to take his mind off of Kate's beautiful hair, or the way she looks when she smiles, or the sound of her laugh, or the scent of cherries… No. Richard Castle does not pine over hard-ass detectives. Richard Castle is a writer, and he just needs a little more inspiration.

The first story that catches his eye is a Storm story, an AU where the protagonist lives but is paralyzed. However, after the first paragraph of said story messes up the proper uses of "there" and "their", Richard quickly closes the page.

He keeps scrolling, looking at descriptions over titles and authors. Eventually, one is found that looks very intriguing. _"But you have a kid. And a family. And I don't know where I fit with that." "Detective, you've always fit." She smiles up at the novelist through her hair, biting her bottom lip. "I think I'm ready. But will you be able to catch me if I fall?" "Always." _

Just the way the description is written, the specific words chosen, they all intrigue Richard to no end. It's like the words are caught out of his own life, especially considering how Rook doesn't have any children and is a journalist, not a novelist. But, despite these continuity errors, something about this story begs Rick to read it. When he glances at the author, and sees it is written by one of (if not) the best writers on the Richard Castle fanfiction forums, Jo1999, the decision is made.

Instantly, Rick notices something different about this story. It isn't set at Nikki Heat's precinct, but at the twelfth. That seems odd. Next, the murder case being closed is eerily familiar to one Beckett closed not three weeks earlier. As well, no names are mentioned yet. Castle shrugs it off for a minute and continues reading past the first paragraph.

_The boys have gone home, and the author had left when the paperwork had begun. Before he would stick around, make jokes, lighten up the mood during the boring filework, but not anymore. He is rarely around anymore. Perhaps it's because – no, she doesn't dare to think it. She can't. _

_Running out of reasons to stay at her desk, the detective gathers her things to go home. But she doesn't want to go home. It's cold at home, lonely. And she can't sleep there anymore. She can barely sleep anywhere. _

_Maybe working herself out until she collapses will finally bring about sleep tonight. So, instead of heading home, the detective takes the elevator down to the workout room. She heads to the change room, puts on her sports bra and booty shorts and wraps her hands up with the appropriate tapes. It's so late, she doesn't expect anyone to be there, thus why care about proper workout room attire? _

_Yet, when the detective steps out into the room, she sees a punching bag already in use, the grunts from the man oh so familiar and sending shivering tremors down her spine. _

"_You know, this room is meant for cops only." She says, suddenly oh-so-aware of her lack of clothing. _

"_Yeah, well, I'm an honourary –" The novelist stops his reply as soon as he realizes who it was that spoke. "Kate." _

Rick stops reading, his eyes bursting out of his head. Wait a minute, wait just one minute. This isn't Richard Castle fanfiction, stories about the amazingly brilliant characters the novelist wrote. This is _Richard Castle fanfiction_ – stories about the amazingly brilliant novelist.

But, what? Who is writing fanfiction about a real-life person? Why would anyone do this? And post it on the Castle forums for goodness sake! And how does this writer know so much about his life? Instantly Richard turns back to the story, a little perplexed, a little intrigued and a little wierded out.

"_I should go." Kate says, turning to head back into the ladies locker room. She is caught by a strong and firm hand on her arm and she can't help but shiver from the touch. _

_This isn't how it was supposed to happen. She was supposed to come up here, punch out her feelings until she collapses, nap in the locker room until it is early enough to go back to work, shower and head down for another day. He wasn't supposed to be here. She wasn't supposed to see him for another twelve hours, until she has cried her eyes out and told herself they can't be together yet. Until she can see him with a straight face, without crying, and without jumping him and kissing his brains out. Without remembering those three words he said to her when he thought she couldn't hear. _

Eyebrows flying up, brain exploding with information, Richard stares at the screen. This couldn't be. He couldn't be reading this. But… could it? He knows she's a fan. And she knows what shipping means. And clearly reads this kind of stuff. But why would she post this if she didn't want him to read it?

Looking back at author's name, Jo1999, Rick suddenly realizes how stupid he is. Of course this is her. Of course she wrote this. And of course she would be his favourite writer. Johanna Beckett, murdered in 1999. Her daughter, Katherine Beckett, an avid Richard Castle fan and…

Richard goes back and reads the last line of the story. _Without remembering those three words he said to her when he thought she couldn't hear. _When he thought she couldn't hear? She couldn't be talking about… He has to stop reading this. He shouldn't be reading this. But he can't tear his eyes away.

"_Castle, let go." _

"_You clearly need to work some things out, so how about I stay for a few minutes, hold the bag for you? And no, I am not trying to be dirty." _

_She can't help but smile at his smirk, the way he lights up her world just by being there. _

"_Yes, I need to work some things out." She mumbles, cursing herself when he hears and asks what it was she said. "Nothing, I just…" She can't think, can't breathe. _

_Suddenly Kate is completely aware of the fact that Richard Castle is shirtless, his toned upper body covered in a light sheen of sweat. No, she can't do this. They are both in so little clothes, and Kate is so worked up, if she doesn't get out of there soon something bad might happen. Or maybe something very very good. _

_As Kate turns to run back into the change room, his voice keeps running through her head. "I love you, Kate. Stay with me. I love you!" They won't leave, like a blessing and a curse tied into one. But when she is stopped by a muscular set of arms, and is pulled in to a warm chest, her mind goes fuzzy. _

_So this is what hugging a half-naked Richard Castle is like. A girl can get used to this. Kate silently scolds her brain for thinking in such ways, but when she ushers the courage to look up, she is greeted by two eyes filled with wonder and concern. _

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Please, just, tell me what's wrong." His pleading eyes beg for Kate to listen, and for once she can't bear it anymore. So, instead of answering, Kate closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and leans up to slowly kiss the novelist the way she has wanted to for the past four years. _

_To be continued… _

Rick stares at the page. That's it, the end of the chapter. To be continued. That's all that's left.

He pushes his chair back from the desk and takes a deep breath. That was definitely a lot to absorb in a five minute span. He glances over to his iPhone, knowing said Detective is only a speed-dial away. But he can't.

She can't know he knows. And, though it was posted on the Castle forum, and though she knows he reads the forum when bored, what he read is deeply personal.

She knows what he said. She knows. And she wants to act on it. Clearly that is exactly what Katherine Beckett was writing in her small story. But he has to wait, let her be the one to be forward. Let Kate make the first move. Let Kate tell him herself. For if she knew he read this story, they may not have any future.

Knowing he can't do anything about it, at least not yet, and wondering how he will get through the next day at the precinct, Richard Castle turns back to his new chapters of Nikki Heat with a renewed passion.

And maybe, just maybe, in the near future Katherine Beckett will act upon her words and make her fiction a reality.

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><p>Thanks for reading my short little Castle story. This was burning a hole in my head the last hour. The things you write when you should be studying.<p>

Let me know what you think! Seeing as this is my first Castle story... I love reviews, they make me happy! :)

And I am marking this as complete for now, as I don't want to lead anyone on with the promise of future chapters. If I do end up writing something (maybe what happens with Kate when Castle sees her again, or when she finally acts on the story), then I'll update this. But for now, I am really happy with it as is.

Have fun watching the new episode tonight! I am happy to have this out with a few minutes to spare!

Less than three, BrittJK

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><p>Update: GUYS, I caved. Chapter 2 is already pretty much written, 3 is in progress and 4 is started. Help me! I aparently don't know the idea of "Ending a story". But those four will be it. Probably. And I am not updating until I am completely finished, so changing this to in progress but you might have to wait a week or something :P<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

An Exploration in Writer's Block - Part 2

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><p>How he did it, Richard Castle would never know. How he managed to look her in the eye, laugh at her jokes, build theories together; How he even managed to function knowing what he knows… knowing what she knows.<p>

Without fail, every evening that week Rick turned on his laptop well after midnight hoping for an update from the-no-longer-mysterious Jo1999. What he would do for another glimpse into the mind of Detective Beckett, into the heart of Kate.

Did she know she had used their names instead of Rook and Heat? Of course she had to. There is no way she would have posted it otherwise, or left it up for a week either. Especially without changing it. But clearly she knew he would read it. But the real question is, why? Why would she write this and post it? Does she want him to approach her about it? To bring it up himself?

Rick didn't notice Kate acting any differently that week. Maybe her eyes lit up a bit more as he walked in, yet faded a little too fast after he just brought over the coffee. Does she want him to read it? Perhaps this was just some sort of a workshop from her therapy, maybe it was something she was writing for her. But again, why post it? Rick's theory is that yes, she did want him to read it. And she wants him to react. But he didn't, at least not yet.

Yet, Kate didn't bring anything up this week. She was just her usual, extraordinary self. Rick doesn't know what to do. Normally he would talk this through with his mother, or vaguely discuss a similar situation with Alexis, but both are spending the weekend at the Hamptons so Rick can work on Nikki Heat. Not that any of it is getting done as Rick sits in the living room, only in boxers, while his laptop, notes, some coffee and Chinese takeout lay scattered around the coffee table. Taking a bite of his Chow Mein, Rick checks his email one more time before beginning to write chapter seven.

And there it is. Rick's heart skips a beat. _Author Alert: New chapter from Jo1999_. It's chapter 2 of the Richard Castle story.

He scrambles to a better position, pushing the food out of the way and grabbing his laptop to rest on his legs. As the webpage loads, Rick has absolutely no idea what to think. Not only is he going to get a second glimpse into Kate Beckett's eyes, he is going to see what she feels like after kissing him! He doesn't know if he should squeal with childish glee or groan in anticipation as the page takes longer to load than he thought.

As soon as the first words appear on the page, his eyes are glued.

_The detective is in heaven. Her lips are against the supplest and softest pair of lips she has ever felt, and her tongue creeps out a small bit to taste him. Salty, from the sweat, yet also something distinctly of chocolate and coffee. Altogether one of the most amazing and erotic tastes she has ever enjoyed. _

_This kiss is different than their previous one. This kiss has subtext, it has thoughts, feelings. And it is starting to gain a life of its own. She feels two strong hands moving around her waist, grabbing her and pulling her close. The heat from his bare stomach burns into her own, and again Kate is reminded that all that is separating the pair is a few flimsy pieces of workout material. _

_She lets out a small moan, and can feel Rick growl in pleasure. When her hands begin trailing upwards, tangling themselves in his hair, her mind screams out. _

_Instantly her eyes widen and she pushes back, a hand quickly running up to cover her mouth, hide its quivering. _

"_I'm sorry." She says, too afraid to look him in the eye. Too afraid to see that her feelings are being returned. Too afraid to let the walls down. But, even with the fear, a small part of her is begging her eyes to look up. "I should…" _

_Quickly turning, Kate rushes back into the women's locker room. Just as she is about to break down, just as the tears are begging to flow, the door slams open behind her and the novelist storms in. _

"_Kate? Kate!" He calls, turning down the first row of lockers to find her sitting on a bench and breathing deeply. _

"_Go home Castle." She says, her voice monotone in an attempt to hide the emotions. Why did she kiss him? More importantly, why did she stop? _

"_No, Kate. I won't go home." He says, his voice strong. He moves to sit down next to her. She flinches as he takes her hand so he lets his own fall to his lap. When he speaks again, his voice is much softer. "Kate? Please, talk to me." _

"_I… I don't think I can." She says, her voice finally cracking. "I'm just so tired." _

"_So you think the answer is to sexually harass me? Not that I minded." She doesn't react, doesn't chuckle, doesn't glare. He knows something is definitely wrong now. There is no way of knowing how, but the two have a connection. The author can see into the detective better than even she can. _

"_Kate, when's the last time you slept?" _

"_I don't know." She replies. "I can't sleep at home. It's too quiet, too lonely. I feel like something or someone can attack me, even when the doors are locked and my gun is under my pillow. I just… I feel safer here. With others." _

"_And… just now? What happened?" _

"_I came to work out, maybe get tired enough to collapse, and you were there." _

"_And…" he pries. Seriously, does he need her to say it out loud? She knows what happened, she knows why she did it, but she just can't get hurt again. Although, she knows she will already be hurt as soon as he leaves her alone in the locker room. _

"_Kate, can we please talk about this? All we ever do is not talk, and then something big happens but you get shot so we never end up talking about it. I thought we trust each other, could trust each other with our lives. And believe me, I am not leaving this locker room until we talk about this." _

_Kate holds back her tears, heart breaking and swelling just a little more at each word Castle says. Why is she pushing him away? Why can't she just let him love her and let herself love him? Why can't she just talk to the guy for goodness sake! She doesn't have this much trouble talking to a shrink, why would it be so hard when it's Castle? Maybe she should just go for it. _

"_We kissed, Rick." Well, that is one admission. Maybe not the three words he wants to hear, but three words that are the truth nevertheless. _

"_No, Kate. We didn't kiss. You kissed me, and then we kissed." _

"_There's a difference?" Kate asks, making the mistake of turning her head up to stare into Rick Castle's beautiful blue eyes. It mesmerizes her, but also makes the author acutely aware of how red and bloodshot the detective's eyes are. _

"_There's always a difference." He says, leaning in slowly so that their lips touch ever so slightly. Kate closes her eyes, mouth moving in time with Rick's. Yet, all too soon, he pulls back. "Now that was me kissing you." _

_Kate's mind is scattered, mixed in a haze of sleep-deprivation and emotions. She doesn't know whether to kiss Castle again or punch him, but his intoxicating smell mixed with his taste still resonating on her lips causes something to spark, to change. She pulls her head down to look at her hands, the digits fiddling with the tie up on her shorts. _

"_I heard you." She says, a small mumble. The words are quiet, regardless of how many times she has practiced on her own, in front of the mirror, with the shrink. It's like the words are trying to escape, her mind is screaming them out, but her voice won't let them be released in more than a whisper. "I remember. Everything." _

… _To be Continued_

Wait, she cannot stop it there! She can't stop it there! Rick keeps scrolling, hoping to find more words or another chapter. Anything to help him find out what transpires next, what Kate believes would or should happen.

Giving up, Rick scrolls to the top of the page and rereads the chapter. He grabs his pad of paper and a pen and begins making notes, joining to the ones he has from the first section of Kate's writing. He highlights a few, making sure he remembers them.

Kate sleeps at the precinct, can't sleep at home. Kate wants someone to talk about it with other than her shrink. Kate wants to kiss me and enjoys kissing me. She wants to be with me but doesn't know how. Kate remembers. Everything.

He looks down at the small list, again completely unsure of what he should do next. Clearly Kate posted this next chapter because he didn't act on the first one. But clearly there is something more coming, probably if he doesn't act again.

So now it's time for the choice. Act now, as Kate clearly wants, and find her most likely at the precinct at this late hour? Or wait for Kate to finish writing out her feelings before taking action.

Rick leans back and sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. What does Kate want? Everything is about Kate now, it no longer matters about her mother's murder or the other cases at the precinct or the new Captain. It all depends on Kate's feelings, and Rick has, even with the story, absolutely no idea what her feelings are. Maybe a slight idea, but nothing to really go by.

On the swing set that day, she clearly said to his face that she cannot have a relationship until they solve her mother's murder. But that was weeks ago. And now, she is saying through this story that her body and heart are ready, they just have to convince her mind. But again, how does her mother's case fit in to this? Is she truly ready to be with him if her mother's case isn't complete? Is this story reaching out for a relationship, or just for some sort of comfort and reassurance that she is alive and is allowed to feel?

One more week, Rick decides. He will wait one more week and see if Kate is able to sort out her feelings. Then, regardless of if she can or not, he will confront her. Because clearly Kate is begging for Rick to reach out to her, she is clearly saying she cannot do it on her own.

He closes the page on his laptop, opening up the blank document to once again work on his writing. Rick knows the next week is going to be hell, not only for him but for Kate as well. How can he continue letting her sleep at the precinct, letting her be so sleep-deprived and drained, letting her go home to her empty apartment when he has a wonderful homey loft waiting to be filled?

Once again, Richard Castle pours himself into his writing, using it as a distraction from the week ahead.

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><p>I didn't add a disclaimer before, so just saying that I don't own the characters, the precinct, Castle, Nikki Heat, or anything else to do with the show. I am just a writer who had an idea I wanted to share.<p>

And please let me know what you think of this story. Chapter 3 is written, and the last part, chapter 4, is started. I just wanted to have 2 and 3 finished before I posted either of them. I could say "I want X number of reviews to post chapter 3" But really I think I'll just give you all a week to check this out and read it and then post the next one. I'm not greedy or anything, but I do love reviews.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I cannot explain how getting a story favourited when it is one chapter long, not to mention my first ever Castle story, feels to me. Writing is an outlet I never really felt like I had to share but you guys make me so much more confident in my writing and so much more excited to write it and put it out there. So thank you for everything!

Happy reading! Until next time,

BrittJK


	3. Chapter 3

Without further ado (Disclaimer: I still don't own this)

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><p>An Exploration in Writer's Block - Part 3<p>

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><p>Another week; another seven agonizing days of staring at Kate Beckett and trying his hardest not to do anything. It was horrible, probably one of the worst weeks Rick has ever had to live. Because, not only does he know Kate heard him the day she was shot, but he knows that she wants to start something. Or at least he thinks she does.<p>

The week was awful though. Rick was noticing things he hadn't seen before. Yes, Kate carries herself well and puts up a great act, but some things definitely became much more apparent to Rick. First off, Kate is definitely thinner than she was before. Clothes that used to fit snugly are now oversized, she seems to have a belt on with all of her pants, and she never wears short sleeves anymore. And she only rotated between the same two pants and four shirts, just in different combinations. As if she only wore what was at the precinct, as if she didn't go home all week. Second, which really does relate to the first in a way, she isn't eating. If Rick didn't bring Kate her coffee and bear claw in the morning, go out to pick up lunch around noon and order take-out for dinner, he doesn't think she would eat at all. When Rick had to come in around three on Wednesday due to a publisher's meeting, Kate had a candy bar wrapper and three empty coffee cups on her desk, but no remnants of lunch anywhere. And third, the bags under her eyes are getting bigger each day and she seems to be even more unable to focus on paperwork than normal.

There were many moments - many moments - when Rick was tempted to pull Kate aside and do one of three things: kiss her, take her home to his loft to cuddle and sleep, or yell at her for being so unkind to her own body. Mostly he wanted to kiss her until she couldn't breathe. And then, if and when she kisses him back, he will confess his love all over again and not care that Kate didn't say anything. Not care that weeks and months have been wasted that they could have been together. Not care that her mother's case is still open, or that he has a daughter, or that she really isn't stable enough to be in a relationship right now. But every time Rick was tempted, he pulled back. Went to the washroom, talked to the boys for a minute, or distracted himself on his iPhone.

He sits on his laptop in the living room of the loft, supposed to be writing but just refreshing the page with Kate's story on it. Last time she updated around ten-thirty at night. It's already eleven. Rick is glad no one is home again – Alexis at a sleepover, Martha busy with some sort of theater gala. They would laugh at him for pining over Kate still, tell him to just talk to her, to stop waiting for Kate to describe her feelings to him and just be a man. Either that or let him break down and cry and stuff his face with ice cream. Neither seem like good ideas for fun family nights.

The minutes tick by with the page still empty and his email not showing an update. Rick gets fed up and finally starts writing his Nikki Heat chapter. She is currently locked in a small storage unit, pushed in by the suspected killer only to find Rook already locked up, hands tied together and mouth gagged. The chapter begins to enthrall Rick, sucking him deeper and deeper until the two finally get out of their sticky mess. By the time Rick pulls himself back to reality, it is nearing one AM. He looks at the clock and sighs, running a hand down the front of his face. About to close his computer down and head to bed, Rick notices a new email message.

As soon as he opens it, Rick knows he won't be sleeping for a while. He reaches down to the coffee table, searching around under his Nikki Heat notes to find the small bounded book he is using to keep track of Kate's story. He rips it open, reads through his points again, then turns all of his attention to the story on his laptop.

_Kate closes her eyes, waiting for a reply. Waiting for a word to come out of the writer's mouth, but nothing does. She waits for a kiss, but again, nothing happens. She counts to ten in her head, hoping something will happen. Has time stopped? Is this all a dream? Why isn't Castle reacting? _

_Her eyes open and her head slowly rises. Oh, that's why he hasn't reacted. _

_Castle's eyes are clamped shut, his fists braced up against the side of his body. His face is deep red and he is taking slow, steadying breaths through his nose. With every inhale, his entire upper body seems to rise, drawing Kate's attention momentarily to the strong, muscular, and still very much exposed upper chest. She allows her eyes to linger for a moment, then flicker back to Rick's face. His eyes are opened now, the normally bright sky blues the colour of the ocean during a thunderstorm. He clenches and unclenches his jaw once and just continues staring. _

"_Are you going to say something?" Kate asks. Oh no. No no no. This is bad. He can't be angry, can he? Like he was angry after she didn't call him all summer? But, they talked about this. They were okay. They were okay, weren't they? _

"_Am I going to…" Rick lets the sentence fall off of his tongue. He stands up and walks to the nearest locker slamming his fist into the hard metal. He turns around, barely caring about the red bumps beginning to show on his hand, and storms right up to Kate's small figure still curled up on the bench. _

"_I don't know what you are trying to do to me, Kate, but I really cannot take it anymore. You have strung me along for far too long, making promises that will never be kept and giving me too much false hope. And now, when I think you're in trouble and you need some comfort, you decide it's the right moment to tell me that you have been lying to me all this time?"_

_He is pacing now, his voice very loud. Kate worries that some of the night staff might hear. _

"_I can't do this. I can't be here and hope and…" He sighs, running a hand through his messy hair. "Kate, your mom's case is never going to be solved. Either, you're going to get killed before you solve it or die of old age with the case still open. And yet you keep holding on to it like a crutch!" He stops pacing, and turns to face directly at Kate. "So, now what are you saying? That you heard me and what? You want to try dating? Or kissing me in police exercise rooms? That you can go against everything you said on the swings?" _

_Kate has lowered her head, listening intently but unable to find the motivation to keep herself upright. Rick moves to sit crouched down in front of Kate so that he can still look into her eyes, and places his hands on her knees. _

"_Kate, listen to me. I really can't do this anymore. Your mother's case isn't going anywhere, and for the longest time I could say the same thing about myself. But I don't think I can do this anymore. Please, just tell me what you want and I'll do it. But if you can't, or if it's too hard, I have to leave. I can't keep putting myself out there, spending time with you, letting myself fall deeper in love with you, for it to never go anywhere. So, please, please, Kate. Tell me you love me too." _

_Rick stares, his eyes never wavering. The anger seems to have passed and been replaced with something else – sadness? Perhaps a small glimmer of hope? Definitely a lot of defeat. _

_Kate opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. She wills the words, pushes, compels something to come out, but all that is released is a small squeak. Realized her moment of action is passing, Kate instead wills her lips forward, to capture Rick's in hers and let her actions speak for themselves. But again, nothing. What is holding her back? What is so different now than ten minutes ago outside the locker room? And why does Kate suddenly feel like she is losing her mother all over again, only her mother is much handsomer and tastes like coffee? _

_She can see the moment leaving, see Rick's eyes falling and all hope leaving him. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, leaning in to place one small lingering kiss on Kate's lips. He pulls back after Kate has yet to move, her entire body stiff and still and terrified both of making this moment something special and of losing it forever. _

"_Goodbye, Kate." He says, standing up and moving to the door of the locker room. "Please don't forget how extraordinary you are." And with that, he is gone. _

_His smell lingers, and Kate can still feel his warm hands on her knees and his breath on her cheek. She closes her eyes, wishing to go back in time to before she walked in to the exercise room, or to before she kissed him, or to before she confessed, or to before Rick left. Other than when her mother died, this is the one moment Kate wishes she had a do-over. Why didn't she just say something? _

_A different version of the conversation flits through her mind, a version where she is stronger, where she says everything in her heart and soul, gives it all to the man in front of her. It goes somewhat different, and invokes a longing for comfort Kate never thought she had._

"_Rick, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I want to be with you, I do…"  
>"But?"<br>"…But you have a kid. And a family. And I don't know where I fit with that."  
>"Detective, you've always fit." She smiles up at the novelist through her hair, biting her bottom lip.<br>"I think I'm ready. But will you be able to catch me if I fall?"  
>"Always."<em>

_Her legs move up on their own, her arms wrapping around herself and twisting up into a ball. Suddenly the precinct feels even colder than her bedroom. She lets a tear fall silently; the only sound in the room her unsteady breaths. Finally something clicks in her mind, and her vocal cords are reengaged. _

"_I love you too." _

_Too bad no one is there to hear it. _

He stops reading, staring at the page. Suddenly, it all makes sense. The way Kate is acting, the reasons why she wrote this. She does want him to read it. She does want him to listen and to get all of the hidden subtext. She wants him to read this, to see the way she thinks he will react, and to prove her wrong. To make her see that, no matter what happens, the only thing important is them. Or at least that is what Rick thinks Kate means.

He rereads the chapter three more times, trying to find everything Kate doesn't want and everything she does, all the hidden meanings, the emotions behind each word. He does find the way he acts in the story a little ridiculous, but after the way he snapped at her after the book signing, he understands why Kate feels this might be how their conversation would go.

Though Rick still isn't sure if Kate is ready for a relationship, he at least knows now what he needs to do. There is no to be continued this time, nothing more Kate needs to share.

Rick looks at his watch again. It's just nearing two AM. Kate can't still be at the precinct… tomorrow is her day off. Clearly she'll be at home, right? She has to be at home.

He grabs his cell phone, hitting speed dial three. The phone rings six times until Kate's answering machine picks up, the generic "I'm not home, leave a message" playing in his ears. The message is from months ago, recorded when Kate first got her new apartment. Rick can tell, just from this one glimpse of a past Kate, that something is definitely wrong with her now. She is hollow, not all there. Rick's mind reels, and suddenly he remembers the answering machine is still recording yet he isn't saying anything. He quickly clicks the end call button and stands up, almost knocking over his laptop in the process.

Rick knows what he has to do now, and knows where he can find Kate. She is not spending one more night at the precinct, restless on those cold and lumpy couches.

Grabbing his keys, Rick holds back a yawn and dashes out the front door, heading out to find a Taxi and finally end this once and for all. Or maybe begin something new altogether.

* * *

><p>Again, I ask you to review to let me know what you think. The response to this story is overwhelming for a first time Castle writer like myself, and I love every one of you who reads, reviews, alerts, favourites, etc. Seriously, you all make this worth while and make me want to write instead of study, which probably isn't the best option but is the more fun option.<p>

Next chapter is the last one. I think you can guess what might happen, but we will see. Its about half-written at the moment, but it is midterm season so I am making no promises on when it will come out.

I had some interesting suggestions on Castle's response - making a review, writing a story in response. Well, seeing how Kate's story ended, I don't know if Castle wants to review. But he is leaving the loft for the night, and I wonder what he will find? You'll just have to wait and see!

Love you all, hope you enjoyed so far,

BrittJK


	4. Chapter 4

An Exploration in Writer's Block - Part 4

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><p>Kate stares at the computer screen wondering what to write next. Every day since posting her story on the forums she knows Rick reads, every day since pouring her heart out of the world to see, she has waited anxiously for Rick to come into the precinct and for things to be different. She longs, pleads with the universe for Rick to understand she is the one writing. But without fail, he comes in each morning with coffee and a bear claw in hand, the familiar glint in his eye but a saddening absence of any new knowledge.<p>

She gets up, unable to write anymore. What else is there to say? She didn't write a "to be continued" on the last chapter, and if he hasn't seen it now, he never will. Her story is probably buried beneath the hundreds of other "Richard and Kate" stories on that site. Yes, many of them creep Kate out, however many have provided her with an escape to a world where she and Richard are one, where she isn't afraid too much will change by admitting to Rick's three-word admission.

Looking around the cold and empty apartment, Kate realizes for another night she cannot bear to sleep here. It's too lonely. Too quiet. And, even with her exhaustion, Kate knows she will only get one or two hours of sleep at most. Better to find somewhere else to go, work out her frustrations. She remembers her admission to Castle in story form, admitting to sleeping at the precinct. But was that something he would believe to be true or just a stretch of the truth to get the plot moving? It doesn't matter much, but Kate knows unless she does what her character intended to do (work out, collapse on the couch, NOT see Rick half-naked and sweaty), then she will never get some shut eye.

Kate grabs an extra pair of work appropriate clothes and stuffs them in a bag. Yes, it is her day off tomorrow but if she sleeps over she might as well get in a day of overtime. Gates probably won't care – she will think Kate is being conscientious. Plus there is a ton of paperwork that needs catching up on. Kate picks up her purse, phone and keys and heads out the door. She momentarily considers taking her bike, but between her exhaustion and emotional state, Kate doesn't think it would be a good idea and opts for a taxi instead. The drive to the precinct is short and quick, the taxi-driver not speaking much and very little traffic at such a late hour.

She pays the driver and grabs her bags, heading straight for the workout floor. Perhaps there is a better option for her right now. Maybe she should've listened to her therapist and found a confidant. Maybe she should be going to Lanie's tonight instead of the precinct. Maybe Kate just doesn't care anymore. She followed one of the directions her therapist gave her – she got out her feelings. Though it was by pen and paper (or more correctly computer and keyboard), and not by speaking to someone directly, Kate still hopes it made her feel better. It had to have made her feel better. Doesn't she feel better?

She'd probably feel better if Rick admitted to reading it.

Quickly dropping her bags into her locker, Kate changes into a pair of black yoga pants, a training bra, and a black tank top. She is thankful to have avoided those unlucky enough to have the night shift, for once not wanting to get any human contact. Tying some tape around her knuckles to prevent too much bruising, Kate tucks her water bottle under her arm and walks out to the work out floor.

She starts with a few quick stretches, and follows them with a round of sit ups, pushups and crunches. She keeps her mind as blank as it can be. Castle can't find her here. His voice cannot seep into her mind while the adrenaline is pumping, while she focuses on her muscles, while she pushes through the pain.

Kate collapses on the floor after her sixtieth push up, arms finally giving out. She turns over onto her back and leans on her left hand, her right moving to push sweat-soaked hair out of her face. She makes a fist in her hair, grabbing it and pulling, the pain reminding her not to fall asleep just yet. After a moment to breathe, Kate grabs her water bottle and takes a good, long drink. The water cools her from the inside out, but only causes a shiver to curl down her spine and remind Kate of how cold and lonely she is.

Pushing the thoughts aside, Kate closes her water and pushes herself up to her feet. With her heart rate still pounding and the fatigue starting to build, Kate is unsteady on her legs and almost collapses. She wills herself forward, though, knowing that she can't collapse with even a small amount of energy left – that's when the nightmares come.

She moves to the punching bag, and begins swinging her arms and legs without abandon. She imagines the bag is Josh, standing by while Kate seems to struggle to live. She imagines it as Gates, barking out orders while completely unaware of how things at the twelfth – how their team – operate. She imagines it is all the murderers she has put behind bars – the rapists, the drug dealers, the serial killers. Dick Coonan's face appears on the bag, and Kate punches even harder, wishing the man had never been hired. Finally, she imagines the bag is the men who hired Coonan and, suddenly, her body gives out.

She can't punch it anymore. Can't fight it. There is no face to place with this person – this mysterious being that has haunted Kate for so long. She collapses to the floor, hot tears pooling in her eyes and threatening to fall. All the fight is gone. Her body and heart have realized before her mind, but Kate is unable to fight against this enigma. For years Kate has searched for him or her, and now, finally, Kate has given up. She has come to terms with never finding him – with knowing why her mother was killed and knowing who specifically plunged the knife in – but not who hired him. It doesn't matter anymore, does it?

Sure, it's fine to obsess over the killer when it's only affecting you, when no one else is caught up or hurt or… Kate looks down at her hands, slowing lifting her sticky tank top up to reveal a long, thin scar.

No, she is no longer the only one affected. Everyone she knows could get killed if she keeps going. Montgomery is already gone, entirely Kate's fault. Who is next? Her dad? Ryan? Esposito or Lanie? Martha or Alexis? Castle?

Castle. She traces a finger over the scar then brings her head up to look at the door to the exercise room. For a fleeting moment, she thinks the door moves, but no. It stays still and once again Kate is confirmed that Rick hadn't read her story. He isn't coming. He will never be coming.

The tears finally begin to fall, fat and heavy, down her cheeks. The first rolls off the bottom and lands on her pants, the second caught by a hand running over her face. She sniffles, feeling absolutely pathetic crying on the floor, a sweaty heap of self-disgust.

After a worthy, yet a little more than is healthy, amount of time wallowing on the ground, Kate picks herself up. She feels heavy, tired, ready to collapse. She picks up her water bottle and finishes it off, gulping down the water as if it is air. Taking a deep breath and bracing herself, Kate walks back to the locker room and jumps into the shower. She turns the water to a scalding temperature but barely feels it on her body. The only reason she turns the water down is the red blotches forming on her skin.

Eventually, as the water begins to run cooler, Kate forces her body to leave the shower. She quickly dries her body, pulls her hair into a pony tail and throws on her clothes for the next day. Thankfully the top she chose is meant to be wrinkled – it won't mind sleeping on the couch. Homicide is completely clear other than a few uniforms and they won't dare go into the break room after seeing Kate in there.

By the time Kate collapses on the lumpy break room couch, her mind is shut off and her body unable to move. She falls instantly into a restless sleep, not sure what time it is or even if anyone else is around. Her body hopes to rest for a long time while her mind only wants to keep the nightmares at bay.

Just after two AM, up in her locker, Kate's cell phone rings.

* * *

><p>Rick Castle arrives at the 12th Precinct just after three in the morning. He had detoured to Kate's apartment, hoping she was there but asleep thus unable to answer his calls. Determined to find the detective after being told by her doorman she had left just after midnight, Rick next grabbed a cab to the precinct. His first stop is the exercise room. When that comes up a blank, Rick braces himself and checks the women's locker room. Also empty.<p>

Beginning to feel frantic, Rick tries homicide, nodding to the last uniform finally heading home after a long day. He sees the rest of the floor empty – no one else seems to be there. Where is everyone? Where is Kate?

Rick realizes that if he has to keep this up – keep searching – he is going to need some sort of pick-me-up. He heads to the break room, hoping to use the cappuccino machine to get a little coffee buzz going. What he finds instead almost breaks his heart.

Lying on the break room couch, dressed for the following day, hair a complete mess and balled up in the fetal position is Kate Beckett. There is no way that couch is comfortable, and the precinct likes to keep the temperature a little cooler to promote a working environment, all adding up to Kate shivering in her sleep. It doesn't look like a restful sleep either – her eyes are pulled tightly shut and she keeps moving from side to side – as if her body would wake up only if it had the energy to.

Rick does the first thing he thinks to do – he removes his coat and places it on top of Kate, hoping her shivering will stop soon. What he really wants to do is pick her up, take her to his loft and let her sleep in his warm, soft bed. But trying to move her right now really wouldn't be that smart – it would probably end up getting him shot. Or would it? From the sounds of her writing, Kate wants to be taken care of and have Castle bring her home. But would she appreciate him doing it without her knowing?

The coat isn't working – Kate is still shivering. There is nothing else in the vicinity to warm her up, and Castle wouldn't dare play with the thermostat, so instead he carefully climbs behind Kate on the couch and wedges himself in between her and the cushions. He wraps his arms around Kate and allows his warm body to heat hers.

Rick notices the change almost immediately – her body seems to un-tense, her head relaxes a little more onto the couch and she lets out a small sigh. Her body instinctively nuzzles itself back, looking for more comfort and warmth. Rick is startled at first, but he loosens up upon realizing her body is still asleep – her mind just seems to have accepted that fact now.

This isn't so bad. Sure, the cushions are lumpy and something is poking Rick's back, not to mention Kate has rolled back a little so that she is lying entirely on top of his arm, but it really isn't so bad. Lying here, using each other for warmth, having his arms around Kate in a non-life-or-death situation. Not so bad at all. Actually, it's kind of great.

He nuzzles his head in closer, breathing in the deep scent of cherries radiating off of Kate's hair. Maybe just a few hours rest for himself as well, and then they can talk everything out. Using his one free hand, Rick sets his phone to vibrate at 5AM, still early enough that none of the morning shift officers will be in, but late enough that Kate can get a few hours of sleep.

He drifts off himself a few minutes later, dreams of a particular homicide cop invading his ever-working mind.

* * *

><p>When Kate wakes up, at first she believes she is still dreaming. A warm body is behind her with arms snaking out to her waist, and a steady breath is being released onto her neck. She tentatively opens one eye, seeing the clock displaying a time of 4:57 AM. Okay, so maybe she only had less than four hours of sleep, but it was probably the best four hours of sleep she has had in months. The warmth, the comfort, the dreamlessness.<p>

She closes her eyes again, nuzzling herself back into the warm body. Did she put out a heating blanket? Kate takes a deep breath, eyes shut and ready for another few hours of rest, but a familiar scent reaches her nose. Chocolate, coffee, high end leather. She knows that smell. She loves that smell.

Kate jumps at the sound of something vibrating, startling the writer behind her out of dreamland. She barely has time to make sense of the moment before she realizes that she is shivering again, and suddenly his arms are around her even tighter and she has absolutely no idea what to do.

Everything in the detective part of Kate, the I was shot part, the my mother was stabbed in an alley part, all of them are telling her to get out of the deathgrip that he is holding her in. But the other part, the more rational part, the part in love with Richard Castle, is telling her to stay still and let him calm her down.

Her love seems to win out, Kate's body slowly sinking back into a more relaxed state. She takes another deep breath then slowly moves herself to pull the writer's arms off of her body. At first he resists, but after a moment she hears a small huff of breath and is released.

Kate doesn't go far, standing up and moving to the other end of the small break room to lean on the counter. She takes a quick moment to peek outside at the bullpen, but it seems only one uniform is in yet and he is busy at his desk. When she turns back to the man on the lumpy breakroom couch, she sees him staring back at her.

"You're shivering." He says, holding out his leather jacket. He doesn't move to get up though, trying to keep some space after such an intimate position the two woke up in. Kate slowly reaches out and grabs the leather, wrapping it around herself without threading her arms through the sleeves.

"Thanks."

The room is silent, neither party daring to break it. Finally, after the air in the room goes from calm to tense, Kate speaks again.

"Thanks."

"You said that already." He replies.

"Right… um…" She takes a moment to decide on what words to use, but her mind can't seem to function. Maybe being blunt is best. "Thanks, not for the jacket. But for…" She motions with her arms back towards the couch and the writer turns his head to look down at their makeshift bed.

"Right. Anytime." He smiles. Nothing dramatic, or for cameras, or for the public, or even to empress the boys. He smiles her smile. The one she loves, the one that shows all of his love in it without him even knowing.

Her face grows hot with him looking at her. If he only knew who much she longed to be held like that by him, how sometimes she wished she could go back to the freezer just to have his arms around her again. How she would dream of waking up the way they did, wrapped in each other's arms. Happy. Warm. Safe. There is only one thing wrong with this picture.

"How did you know I was-" Kate starts.

He cuts her off by raising a hand. "Your story." Her eyes widen.

"You…" Kate doesn't know how to respond. He read it? Why didn't he say anything? Why has he been acting like nothing has changed?

"Yes, I read it. Very clever penname, by the way. And, yes, I know you've been sleeping here, if you can call tossing and turning for an hour or two sleeping. I know how much pain you're in, and how you want it all to stop." His voice gets quiet. "I also know you heard me."

Kate's eyes shoot up. Did she write that? Yes, she wrote that. Oh god, he is going to hate her. Why did she write that? Her mind gets caught up in hysteria, imagining all the ways this scene can go like her story. Only this time, if it doesn't go the way she wants, she can't re write it. This time, it is all real.

The writer can see panic seeping into his Kate's eyes, can see her believing that his reaction will be the same as the Rick in her story. And, no matter what issues they may have to work through later, Rick is determined to make Kate see that he still does love her.

He quickly stands up and makes his way across the room, grabbing Kate's face and pulling her lips up to his. Their mouths meld, moving in perfect harmony, and it is like the whole world has stopped. This kiss pales in comparison to the one from being undercover, but it has so much more emotion and subtext to it. When the two pull back, Kate's eyes are wide and Rick is out of breath.

"I love you too." She says, reaching out to pull him back into another fierce kiss. This time it is heated, full of everything Kate has ever wanted to say to Castle and more. Full of all the hopes and doubts and fears she has collected. And what Rick gives back is a promise – a promise that while things may not be perfect now, they can work through it together. A promise that he will be there for her no matter what – that she is his one and done regardless of how ever many "ones" he has had before.

Again the two break off and their lungs burn from a lack of air. Unconsciously Kate has started crying, her hopes for a future with Rick starting to look much more attainable.

"But what about your mother? And her killer? And the sniper?" he asks, a small glint of hope in his eye.

"It doesn't matter right now. She would want me to be happy over finding them. Besides, we can continue the search," she looks up at her writer through thick eyelashes, "together."

A smile breaks out on Rick's face, and he pulls Kate in for a hug. She lets her tears fall again and fists her hands in his shirt while he places a soft kiss in her hair. "Together." He repeats.

After allowing Kate time to settle down, he pulls Kate back so that he can look at her eye to eye. The two spend a moment in each other, silently saying all the things they need to in a way only each other can understand. It's weird, but Kate feels like she can communicate more with Rick through their eyes than through words. The moment even seems more intimate than their kiss just a few moments ago, like they are truly seeing into each other's souls.

Finally, Rick breaks the silence. "Come back to the loft with me. I have a bed, and a down quilt, and soft pillows, and there's me as well. Come back to the loft, Kate. Just to sleep?"

It takes her a moment for the question to sink in and Kate to realize this is her reality. "Just to sleep," she nods, her eyes cast downwards. The two make their way out of the break room and head towards the elevator. They step in and turn around in unison, Rick reaching out to tap the buttons. Slowly, Kate reaches her hand out and intertwines her fingers in his.

"Just to sleep." She whispers to herself again with a small smile.

* * *

><p>~End~<p>

* * *

><p>Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, I just like to manipulate their for my own pleasure.<p>

I hope you liked it. I wanted to keep it short and sweet, but also semi-realistic. They still have issues to clear up and work through, they still have tons to talk about, but right now Rick realizes that what Kate really needs is stability, support, and sleep. And he hopes to give it to her.

I had quite a few suggestions of other things Rick could do - write a response, write a review, bring it up at the precinct. But, I kind of like the confrontation thing. And I liked getting into Kate's brain a little.

Also, sorry for taking so long to get this out. It has been sitting half-written on my computer since the last chapter was posted. I am so, so sorry. Exams and real life and lack of motivation seem to take over sometimes. But I hope it was worth the wait.

Please, please, please let me know what you think. It is my first Castle story, and now my first fully completed one (my Chuck story still needs its epilogue). And I really do appreciate all types of reviews, even just a simple "I really enjoyed your story" makes my day brighter. And we all need to brighten our days a little, right?

Thanks a ton. You all rock. This was a fun little journey.

Don't stop reading!

~BrittJK


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